Are We Listening?

A good listener is hard to find, as rare as a rainbow in summer and equally wondrous.

I remember that my mother was a great talker, funny and smart, a terrific storyteller, but a poor listener. She thought it was a waste of time to listen, I guess, because she once confided in me, “Frankly, dear, I’m more interesting than most people.”

 Rarely listening to others, how did she know?

My much-older cousin, Mary, on the other hand, was a great listener.  My brother and I used to talk about how, when we saw Mary at family gatherings, she would ask the usual questions about school, our studies, and our friends, but what was different was she paid attention to our responses. Even more astounding, she would follow up with another question and behold! An actual teenage-adult conversationwould begin.

Psychotherapists and ministers listen. But they are trained and paid to—especially psychotherapists. Nonetheless I’ve seen psychotherapists and ministers, who were supposed to be listening, but, overworked and fatigued, their eyeballs have grown glassy, slipping upwards like a three year-old resisting a much-needed nap. A great time for the patient or parishioner to say something like, “That was around the time when I kicked my pet rabbit in the stomach” Wakes everybody right up!

Have you noticed how married couples either listen to each other or don’t? The patterns are amazing. Wives cut their husbands off mid-story or just when he is beginning to offer an opinion. The husband then assumes a vaguely attentive look as his wife carries forward whatever subject he had begun. In all likelihood the pattern is so ingrained that she doesn’t even notice how she has eclipsed him.

In some couples the reverse is true. The husband slashes through whatever his wife is saying and she retreats. How diminishing this is to the partner, who rather than make a scene, surrenders repeatedly?

       What’s my advice to the mostly silent partner? Choose the moment and let your partner know how being interrupted makes you feel.

My women’s study group had a discussion about our own listening capabilities. True confessions, more like. One woman offered: “I get impatient. I just can’t stand it so I finish my husband’s sentences for him. I know I shouldn’t and I try not to, but . . .” She shrugged her shoulders.

Another woman stated with a gleam in her eyes, “I’ve always been the talker in our marriage, the quick-minded, smarter, better-informed one. At least I’ve always thought so.” We all laughed.

She went on to tell us that since her illness with cancer, she has come to depend on her husband more and has discovered, that he, though paced more slowly and gently, is wonderfully intelligent and capable.

In my married life, before I learned something about listening, my opinions were unceasing and forceful. I can still see my former husband inching his chair back and away from mine as slowly and cautiously as one might retreat from a hissing snake.

It’s a helpful image for me to carry. If I am talking that much, I most certainly am not listening.

If we are honest with ourselves, often, while we are listening, we are busily planning our witty and clever responses.

We need to do better in giving our attention. Not only do we need to listen well, we need to attend to meaning and not just skim the surface of the words being said.

None of us is infinitely interesting, not even to ourselves. We’ve heard many of the stories of our long-time partners and friends more times than we can count and they have heard ours. It can be a challenge to remain attentive.

But we must and this is why. A person who feels sincerely listened to feels repected and valued. It’s as simple as that. And that’s how we want those we care about to feel, isn’t it?

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Check out www.whatIknowtobetrue.com offering personal growth groups in Fairfield every third Thursday. Caroline J. Temple and Lisa Jacoby are the compassionate leaders of What I Know To Be True and my companions on this journey of reflection and self-discovery. Call Caroline: 203 866 9331for the details of the workshops. Click here for general information:

www.whatiknowtobetrue.com.

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Welcome back Ukrainian readers! I have missed you and been worried. We pray for peace in your country.