Hanging Out In The Gray Area

At the Unquowa School annual meeting this week the Head of School, Sharon Lauer, spoke briefly about “loving the gray area.”  Never mind black or white, just so I can have “my gray.” She went on to say that Unquowa was a school that fostered and provided a container for kids to inhabit the “gray area” as they learned history, literature and explored the nature of different cultures.

I found myself imagining a child in the Maker Space—see blog: Social Skill Are Marketable Assets—gradually creating something with wood, a few nails, some fabric and markers and an adult comes along and inquires, “What are you making?”  The student answers, “I don’t know  . . .yet.”

 Whether it is an idea not yet fully formed, research not yet complete, or bits of something not yet expressing an end product, hanging out in the gray area means, “I don’t know . . .yet.”

It is the gray area, the “I don’t know “space, that is pregnant with possibilities. Buddhists teach us to “soften the mind,” to remain open to whatever might reveal itself: not to be so attached to our concepts and our opinions as if they were poured in concrete. When we do that we shut down not only to new pathways of thinking for ourselves; we also imprison others in our rigidly held views of them. We are all changing, shifting all of the time: some of us more than others, it’s true—the word “curmudgeon” didn’t arise out of nowhere—but at least, if we allow it, we are capable of actually changing, opening, our minds. “Allowing” being the key word here.

Essentially in our culture there are two respected states of mind: “Yes” and “No.” Clear-minded thinkers inhabit those spaces comfortably and with a certain culturally supported smugness. In Eastern thought there are three respected states of mind: “Yes”, “No” and “I don’t know.” And inherent in “I don’t know” are the possibilities, as I have said. When we trust and love the process for itself, new behaviors and potentially creative action can emerge.

This is not to say that we must never be decisive. Not at all. For example, the able Treasurer of the school can’t stand up at the annual meeting and report that she just “doesn’t know yet” what the financial condition of the school is. That would hardly go down well. Doctors are incredibly stuck in needing to know and preferably right now.  We want that certainty from them.

Nonetheless, a school that allows kids to hang out comfortably in the gray areas, helps to form creative and tolerant adults. Whenever we become aware of just how tightly wound we are about a particular situation or point of view, we can offer ourselves that same sort of release and relaxation.  We can take some deep breaths, soften, and “try on” another viewpoint. It won’t hurt a bit.

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Our thoughts and prayers are with those who lost loved ones in Paris on  Friday night. Trinity Episcopal Church Southport held a candle light vigil on Saturday evening. We prayed for the innocent dead, we prayed for the families and friends who mourn. We prayed for healing for those who kill in God's name that they may be released from the need to terrorize and be freed from their hatred. We prayed for peace in the world and for the collaborative wisdom  of the free world to create an effective and sage response to terrorism.