Paying Attention To Intention

A friend and I were talking about our mothers. Hers was a party- going and party-giving socialite, alcoholic, whose husband died too soon. And mine? Mine was a brilliant, artistically talented, funny, intellectual woman, under utilized, with not a nurturing bone in her body.

Whenever I am speaking about parenting, I begin by saying, “Let’s just stipulate that as parents, even if we do our very best, we will mess up in some way.” We will not give each of our children all of what they need. We will miss a number of significant cues, simply because it isn’t in our own psychological makeup to receive them, or because we are preoccupied, or because we are in denial, or because the demand at the time is more than we can handle. A turmoil of our own can muffle the voices of our children: myriad reasons, none of them intentional or malevolent.

 We rather helplessly carry our wounds across generations, so if we are really fortunate, at some time in our lives each of our kids will lay out all that we missed and let us know that if we are not yet forgiven, she or he is open to it. 

The good news of such a conversation is that we will get to say, “I am really sorry.” Then, with grace, we can patiently and compassionately, begin the healing with one another.

 As adults, it is incumbent upon us to explore not only the failures of our parents, but the instances in which they succeeded. We need, too, to go deeper, to understand that unless our parents were pathological—a completely different story—they intended to love us well and undoubtedly did the best they could with what they had to work with. And, as parents ourselves, we have done the same.

Something to think about at the beginning of the holiday season when family looms large and we are often encumbered with expectations, past disappointments and unresolved tensions.

My suggestion? Let us forgive ourselves and our parents for being who they are, or were, and know, absolutely know, that short of pathology, no parent intends to hurt their children. Not ever.